I Had A Plan - Then My Kids Laughed At Me

I Had a Plan, and Then My Kids Laughed at Me

Before I had kids, I had a vision. A beautiful, Pinterest-worthy vision of calm, cooperative children, wholesome family moments, and a house that didn’t look like it had been burgled— except the only things missing were my patience and all the matching Tupperware lids.

Then…I became a parent.

I had a plan. And my kids laughed in my face.



1. The "We Will Eat Healthy” Plan

👩‍🍳 Expectation: I’ll make adorable, colourful lunches with all the food groups. My kids will love them!

🍕 Reality: My kids won’t eat shit.

They won’t touch the organic, grass-fed, farm-to-table meal I carefully crafted, but a stale french fry they found under their car seat? DELICIOUS.

And don’t even get me started on the betrayal of “favourite foods.” One day, apples are their favourite. The next, they act like I’m trying to poison them.



2. The “Screen Time Limits” Plan

📵 Expectation: “We’ll have limited screen time, just 30 minutes a day! They’ll spend the rest of their time doing enriching activities like reading and playing outside.”

📺 Reality: I just recited an entire episode of Bluey from memory.  Don't get me wrong - I LOVE Bluey! I think its the best one out there.

The only reason I get to shower in peace is because Cocomelon exists. Ergh.



3. The “Peaceful Bedtime Routine” Plan

😴 Expectation: We’ll have bath time, a quiet story, and snuggles. The kids will drift off peacefully while I sip a camomile tea and read a book.

😵‍💫 Reality: I am being held hostage by a tiny dictator who needs one more drink of water, one more story, and one more discussion about why the moon follows us home.

Bedtime is NOT A ROUTINE, it’s a series of negotiations.  Its hell to be honest. 




4. The "Public Tantrums? Not My Kid" Plan

🛒 Expectation: My child will understand boundaries and behave in public. If they get upset, I will gently redirect them with patience and understanding.

🗣️ Reality: Have you ever tried to carry a screaming toddler out of Primark  while they shout, “HELP! SHE’S TAKING ME!” like you’re a kidnapper?

Yeah. I have.  Mortified.



5. The "We’ll Get Out the Door on Time" Plan

⏰ Expectation: “If we get up early and stay organized, we can leave on time, no problem!”

🐌 Reality: I have been trying to leave the house for 45 minutes, but we have had three outfit changes, one sock crisis, a dramatic shoe refusal, and a poo explosion.

And after all that? I forgot to put on deodorant.



Final Thoughts

You know what I’ve learned? Plans are cute, but kids are funnier.

So now, I just roll with it. Sometimes, that means my toddler eats chicken nuggets three meals in a row. Sometimes, it means I pretend not to see them sneaking my phone to watch YouTube Kids. And sometimes, it means bedtime is me laying on the floor next to their bed, accepting my fate.

Parenting isn’t about sticking to the plan—it’s about surviving the chaos. And if that means throwing my “perfect parent” goals out the window and embracing the madness? So be it.

At least there’s coffee. And Wine.

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